When I started writing this post, it was late August and everything felt chaotic, as it does every year. I knew the start of school was coming (I even knew the exact date! Ha!) but the amount of running around I did in the days before my kids’ first day was crazy-making. I tell myself every year that if I just planned better, I wouldn’t be as stressed.
And then I reminded myself of what was keeping me from planning ahead- life and the
relentlessness of parenting! Summer is always an unstructured mess- fun, sometimes, but messy- and I don’t come up for air until the kids are back on their full-day schedule at school. Summer is a mix of working, entertaining the kids, fielding complaints about summer camp, managing schedules and car pools and trips. There is no “taking it easy”. I always feel like I’m just trying to survive, trying to get through it.
Many parents I know had kids go off to college this fall. For them, this summer felt especially chaotic, but it also felt sad, exciting, and confusing. Some hadn’t thought much about what life would be like when their child left; some couldn’t stop thinking about it.
All of sudden, the future feels muddy and out-of-focus. What do you do when a huge part of your life moves out of the house?
The Relentlessness of Parenting
According to a study conducted by UC Irvine in 2016, parents today spend almost double the amount of time with their children as they did in the 1960s. The 1990s brought the rise of “intensive parenting” - parents spending more time than ever monitoring and teaching their kids- and “conscious parenting” - a parenting philosophy that focuses on building and reinforcing the relationship between parents and their children. In western culture, parents are pressured to use all their time, energy and money to ensure their children are successful.
At the same time, more parents are working outside the home and many families live far away from extended family and loved ones. With less time available to family and less support, parents often fall into “survival mode” for years, directing all their time and energy to the singular goal of ensuring their child’s success. There isn’t time for anything else.
And then: graduation. By most definitions, their child is a “success”. They’ve finished school. They’ve gotten into college. They seem happy. The future is here and their child is ready to ride off into the sunset and into a new phase of life.
Some parents are not as ready for their kids to dance into the future they’ve spent years preparing them for. They feel like the well-worn path they’ve been following for almost two decades suddenly ends at the edge of a cliff. And at the bottom of the cliff? Darkness.
No signs of life.
They're off to college. Now what?
The graduation parties are over, the chaos of preparing for the upcoming school year has ended and college drop off day has come and gone. Some parents feel frozen, wondering why they feel so unmoored. Others feel a sense of excitement and freedom one day and terribly sad and lonely the next. They wonder why everyone around them seems to have it together while they are falling apart inside.
They feel isolated, lonely, worried, angry, out of control.
Life has completely changed and they aren’t ready for it.
They wonder: What does this mean for me?
Starting in October, I’m offering a support group that is specifically designed to support parents whose kids have gone off to college.
It's called Bittersweet.
It’s a weekly support group where parents will get a chance to
Talk openly and honestly about how hard day-to-day life has been since your child left
Get the tools needed to navigate your new relationship with your child so you can enjoy the adult they've become
Embrace the role of “consultant” and give up your “micro-manager” duties so you stay involved with your child while empowering them to take more control of their life
Practice being more selfish. Now’s the time to get back into the “it’s all about me” mindset you had in your 20s!
Connect with a group of people who get it and create relationships that will continue long after the group ends
Has your child just gone off to college? Do you relate to the confusing feelings detailed above? Do you wake up each day wondering, "now what?"
Check out the Bittersweet group page for more information and book a call with me to chat about what to expect and to sign up.
You could go through this alone, but why would you? Join our group to get the support you deserve during this huge turning point in your life!
Michelle Deely, MFT specializes in helping
burned out moms find relief. Michelle offers in-person therapy in San Francisco and online therapy to clients throughout California.
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