The Mental Load of Motherhood
- Michelle Deely
- Jul 17
- 14 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
What It Is, How It Affects You and
What You Can Do About It
You lie awake at night remembering the dentist appointment you forgot to
schedule. The lunch you need to pack tomorrow morning. The work email you didn’t respond to when you really should have. Your body hasn’t stopped moving all day, but your mind is bone-deep exhausted from the never-ending to-do list that you’ve hardly made a dent in today.
What you’re feeling isn’t just normal fatigue and it isn’t laziness either. You’re carrying the weight of something invisible, something no one in our society seems to notice or name very often.
It’s called the mental load.
If you go to bed at night feeling worn out and overwhelmed (and let’s be honest - a little bit resentful at times) then chances are, you're carrying more mental burden than you even realize.
The good news is: you’re not alone. You’re definitely not lazy and no, you’re not failing at motherhood. In this article, we’ll explore what the mental load of motherhood is, how it affects you and what you can do to start feeling more supported.
Table of Contents
What is the Mental Load of Motherhood?
The mental load is the invisible labor that keeps a family functioning. It’s the constant juggling of schedules, needs, feelings, logistics, reminders, appointments, permission slips, food preferences or aversions, emotional outbursts – the list is endless.
It’s different from physical chores such as doing laundry or going grocery shopping. It’s the constant need to REMEMBER everything that needs to get done at some point in time. It’s remembering that your son has no clean socks or that it’s your daughter’s picture day tomorrow. That you need to look into getting a new washing machine because yours is on its last legs. Or noticing that there is a birthday party on your child’s schedule next week and scheduling a time to go out and let them pick a present for their friend.
In short, the mental load includes:
Planning and anticipating every family member’s needs before they arise
Managing everyone’s emotions and energy
Monitoring everything from school events to household supplies
Decision-making and research about family health, development, discipline, etc.
The Mental Load Gap and Unequal Expectations for Mothers
While every family looks different, the burden of the mental load tends to fall disproportionately on the shoulders of women and mothers. A 2024 study by the University of Bath found that mothers take on 71% of household mental load tasks - things like planning, organizing and anticipating everyone’s needs.
They also found that there was a significant difference in the types of tasks that mothers and fathers take on: 79% of the daily tasks like childcare and cleaning get done by mothers, while fathers tend to do about 65% of the episodic tasks such as finance management or home repairs.
What’s more, the study found that fathers often overestimate their contributions and are more likely to believe the mental load is evenly shared – even when it’s not. This imbalance isn’t just frustrating, as you’ll see in the next section, it’s linked to burnout, relationship strain and career impacts for women.
In other words, your struggle is not just in your head – it’s a systemic issue rooted in deeply ingrained gender expectations.
The Impact of Carrying the Mental Load on Mothers
Some mental load is a normal part of life. Everyone – parents or not – has things to manage, plan and juggle. But when the balance tips too far, when the burden becomes constant and uneven, the mental load shifts from manageable to harmful.
When you're the sole manager of your household, eventually it will take a toll on you.
Emotionally, you may feel resentful, anxious, or just ... spent. You might love your family deeply but feel like you're slowly disappearing in the process of holding everyone together.
You’re not just tired. You’re maxed out in a way that feels isolating and overwhelming. This can affect:
Your mental health: increased stress, anxiety, depression, etc.
Your physical health: fatigue, tension, headaches, sleep problems, hormonal imbalances, chronic disease or digestive issues
Your relationships: disconnection or resentment toward your partner, lack of emotional closeness that you used to feel, increased isolation from family and friends as well
Your sense of self: lack of interest in what used to bring you joy or a loss of identity beyond the role of "mom"
As mothers, we may feel like we need to be martyrs and selflessly take on all of these negative consequences as a show of love for our children and partners. But the truth is that burnout doesn’t just affect you – it ripples outward.
When you’re depleted, it becomes harder to be present, patient and emotionally responsive, even when you want to be. Children are incredibly perceptive. They pick up on stress, tension, and disconnection, even if they don’t have the words to name it.
An overwhelmed parent might struggle to respond with warmth or flexibility, not because they don’t care – but because they’re running on empty. Over time, this can shape the emotional tone of your household and your child’s own sense of emotional safety.
The truth is: your well-being is the foundation of your family’s well-being. Prioritizing yourself isn't selfish – it’s one of the most generous things you can do for the people you love.
How to Recognize if Your Mental Load is Too Heavy
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to how much is too much when it comes to the mental load.
Your capacity can shift depending on the season of life you're in, your support system or your personal circumstances. Some days or seasons you might effortlessly manage a lot and during other times, way less may make you feel entirely overwhelmed.
The important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong when it comes to how much you SHOULD be able to carry.
The key to your sustainable well-being is learning how to consistently check in with yourself to see how carrying this load makes you feel and instantly recognize when you’ve crossed the threshold from a manageable mental load to one that has become unsustainable.
To help yourself recognize where you’re at in your life, ask yourself the following questions:
Do I feel like I’m always behind, no matter how much I do?
Is my mind constantly racing and making lists that fill me with a sense of dread and overwhelm?
Am I the only one who seems to notice or remember what needs to happen?
Do I wake up in the morning feeling tired and unrested?
Do I struggle to relax or switch off, even during downtime?
Am I more irritable or impatient than usual, then feel guilty afterward?
Do I find myself zoning out or numbing through scrolling or TV rather than truly resting?
Am I withdrawing from hobbies, friendships or other things I used to really enjoy?
Do I fantasize about escaping or having a solo break from everything, just so I can breathe?
Ask yourself: ‘If nothing changes, can I keep doing this for the next week, month, year?
The answer is probably no. Does that mean you’re failing?
Absolutely not. You are not failing.
You are operating within a system that is asking too much of you, without providing the support that you should have been getting all along.
It’s time for you to let go and learn how to lighten the load.
How to Reduce or Lighten your Mental Load
Once you recognize that you’re carrying too much, it’s time to figure out how to lighten your load. This isn’t about doing more or trying harder to make everything work more smoothly – it’s about changing the system you’re operating in, shifting your mindset and learning to ask for and receive real support from your partner and loved ones.
Tip #1: Ask yourself: How did I get here?
Before you jump straight to problem solving mode, take a moment to pause and consider how you got here. You haven’t done anything wrong.
You’re burned out because we live in a patriarchal society that has long taught women to be the “managers” of the home – expected to anticipate every need, juggle endless details, and keep emotional peace – all while also maintaining outside work and social connections.
Most men have grown up without being taught to notice or take responsibility for this invisible labor - so the imbalance continues. Most men aren’t making choices maliciously, they’ve just never had any awareness of these patterns in the first place.
Recognizing this cultural conditioning is incredibly powerful because it can help you shift the internal narrative from “It’s my job to manage all of this” or “If I can’t do everything and do it perfectly, I’m a terrible mother” to “This is an unrealistic expectation put on me by a system that doesn’t have my best interest at heart”.
The idea that the mental load is yours to carry alone is a learned expectation – one you and your partner can start to unravel together.
Tip #2: Shift your mindset and start prioritizing yourself
To begin to unravel this belief system in your own household, start by shifting your own mindset on how things should be done or what you should be able to handle.
For many women, this can feel uncomfortable at first because of how much internalized shame and guilt we carry around the idea of not being able to be everything for everyone at all time.
But changing how you think about your own needs and boundaries is a crucial first step.
here are a few mindset shifts to help you embrace this new way of thinking:
Perfection is a myth. You are good enough even if you can’t do it all.
Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. You don’t have to do everything on your own.
Prioritizing your well-being is not selfish, it’s necessary. When you take care of yourself, you’re taking care of your entire family.
Rest and downtime are essential parts of productivity. Your worth is not tied to achievements or outcome.
Normalizing these ideas within yourself first will lay the foundation that can help you contribute to a family environment that promotes a healthier, more sustainable way of living for everyone.
Tip #3: Build a strong support system for yourself
What you need to feel supported will differ wildly from the next mother. For one woman, it might be weekly therapy and solo walks. For another, it might be childcare and regular check-ins with a friend or a partner who truly shares the mental load – not just the chores.
Here’s the key: you have to figure out what works for YOU.
Building a support system means identifying what truly fills your cup and giving yourself permission to seek it. That may look like:
Letting friends and family in on the emotional burdens you’re carrying
Leaning on friends and family to support you in practical ways
Joining mom groups or communities that understand your experience
Seeking therapy, especially with professionals who specialize in motherhood and family dynamics
Using practical services when possible (childcare, meal delivery, etc.)
Developing new systems of delegation with your partner (this one is huge, so I’ll dive into it separately below!)
Asking for support doesn’t always feel fun to begin with; it can make a lot of moms feel vulnerable or anxious at the idea of asking for too much or being rejected.
Accepting that you can’t do it without support is the first step.
You don’t need to earn rest, support or care - you deserve it just because you’re human.
Tip #4: Start delegating more of the mental load to your partner
You don’t just need someone to take over doing the tasks – you need someone to take over thinking about them.
That’s the heart of the mental load: it’s not about who takes out the trash; it’s about who notices it’s full in the first place. So if you’re the one constantly planning, remembering, reminding, and following up, you're still carrying the heaviest part.
Delegation isn’t about assigning chores like a manager – it’s about sharing ownership.
That means giving your partner full responsibility for certain areas of family life, from start to finish. Not just “Can you pick up the groceries?” but “You’re in charge of groceries now – planning, shopping, and keeping track of what we need.”
Systems like Fair Play are designed to help you and your partner in this process. It can create clarity, accountability and balance in your relationship and help you build mutual respect as you both learn to share the invisible labor of family life.
Here’s another uncomfortable truth that I want you to remember: sometimes one of the hardest parts isn’t just getting someone else to step up – it’s actually letting them.
If you’re used to being the one who holds everything together, releasing that control can feel scary. Especially if you’ve been let down before or if trusting others hasn’t always felt safe.
You might worry it won’t be done "right" or that something will fall through the cracks. That fear makes sense. But tightly holding onto everything yourself isn’t the answer, it’s a fast track to continued burnout.
Learning to delegate means learning to tolerate a bit of discomfort. Things might not get done exactly your way, but in most cases, that’s probably okay. What matters most in this situation is that you're no longer carrying everything on your own.
How to Explain the Mental Load to Your (Unsupportive) Partner
Let’s be real: not every partner is immediately receptive to hearing about the mental load. Some get defensive. Some minimize. Some might have good intentions but genuinely don’t understand what you’re talking about, perhaps because they’ve never had to deal with it before.
If that’s your reality, you’re not alone. You’re not crazy or overly emotional or asking for too much. You're asking to be seen. And that’s okay!
Like I’ve said before, the mental load is often invisible. That’s why so many partners assume everything is “fine” until the day it isn’t. Explaining it requires more than venting about being tired (though you're allowed to do that too). It helps to name the patterns, not just the pain.
Here’s some guidance on how to start a productive conversation:
1. Use language that invites understanding, not blame.
You’re not trying to "win" an argument. You’re trying to build a shared reality. Try saying:
“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, not just because of what I do but because I’m always the one who has to think about everything.”
Or: “I know we both work hard, but I feel like I’m the project manager of our entire life and I’m always in charge of managing and assigning all of the tasks. There are a lot of tasks and I’m exhausted.”
2. Give specific, real-life examples.
Instead of just talking about how much you’re carrying, give really specific examples of tasks they might have never thought about or realized they exist. For example:
“When the kids outgrow their clothes and need new ones, I’m the one who notices, shops, plans. When it’s someone’s birthday, I remember, I buy the gift, I write the card. Even if you help in the moment, I’m the one keeping track of the mental checklist 24/7.”
3. Use analogies that paint a clear picture.
Sometimes, giving a helpful analogy can help them understand what you’re trying to say. Try to think of something that is relevant to another area of their life where they would intuitively understand the same principles. You might say things like:
“It’s like I’m the operating system in the background, constantly running, never shutting off.”
“Imagine we’re both employees, but I’m also the manager – planning, delegating, double-checking. It’s not just about the work, it’s about keeping track of the work.”
4. Don’t wait until you’re boiling over.
If you wait until you're at your breaking point, the conversation may come out as a scream rather than a request. That’s not your fault, you’re human. But the sooner you can name what’s happening and ask for help, the easier it is to prevent yourself from burning out in the first place.
“I’m noticing that I’m getting close to my limit in terms of what I can manage on my own. Can we take some time this weekend to work out a system that distributes the responsibility evenly so I don’t burn myself out?”
5. Expect some discomfort and hold your ground.
Your partner might feel called out. They might say things like “Just tell me what to do” or “But I do help.” That’s part of the learning curve. Your goal isn’t to list their failures, it’s to show the invisible load you've been carrying, often without acknowledgment or reciprocity.
You can lovingly say:
“I know you help me when I ask but I don’t want to manage you. I want us to be true partners. That means sharing the load – not just the tasks, but the responsibility.”
6. Ask for a practical and shared next step.
Don’t approach a conversation with the intention of just expecting an acknowledgment of the situation or validation in how much you are carrying. Try to focus on practical steps that actually help both of you move forward and improve the situation.
If they’re open, suggest watching the Fair Play documentary or introduce a tool like the Fair Play cards to make things concrete. If they’re resistant, set boundaries around what you can no longer carry solo.
And remember: It’s not your job to convince someone to care. But it is your right to advocate for yourself and for the partnership you want to build. If they refuse to cooperate, you should know your own limits and make it clear what you are and aren’t willing to accept in your relationship.
Your 1-Minute Summary:
Everything you need to know at a glance
The mental load is the invisible, constant mental juggling act behind running a household – from remembering appointments to anticipating emotional needs. It’s not just doing the work, it’s thinking about it all the time.
Mothers carry the majority of it: 71% of household mental load tasks and 79% of daily responsibilities – while fathers tend to handle episodic tasks like finances or repairs. Many dads believe the load is split equally, even when it’s not.
Carrying this unbalanced load can lead to chronic stress, resentment, anxiety, fatigue, and a loss of identity. It impacts your relationships, your physical and mental health and your ability to show up as the parent you want to be.
If you’re always behind, can’t relax, feel irritable, guilty, or fantasize about escaping – these are signs that your load has become unsustainable. This doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re doing too much with too little support.
The path forward includes: acknowledging the systemic roots, shifting internal beliefs about worth and rest, building real support and most importantly: delegating full ownership of responsibilities (not just tasks) to your partner.
Conversations about this may feel uncomfortable, especially if your partner is dismissive or defensive, but explaining the mental load with clear language, specific examples and shared next steps can start to rebalance the dynamic.
Your Opportunity for Additional Support
You deserve to feel supported – truly supported. Sometimes just naming the mental load is a powerful first step because it brings a sense of clarity. But even with that understanding, it can still feel incredibly hard to know where to start, especially when you're already so overwhelmed.
I’ve worked with many mothers who know what changes they want to make, but feel like actually doing it is an entirely different story. And that makes complete sense – when you're carrying so much, even small steps can feel like a mountain.
If that’s where you are right now, I want you to know: you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
I offer therapy sessions specifically designed for mothers – a space where you don’t have to explain or justify anything, you can just be.
Together, we’ll be able to work through the mental load, your relationship dynamics, identity shifts or anything else that you need support around.
I can help! Reach out to me by clicking on the button below.
Michelle Deely, MFT
Therapist For Moms In California
Michelle Deely, MFT specializes in helping burned out moms find relief. Michelle offers in-person therapy in San Francisco and online therapy to clients throughout California.
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