“Help - I have no patience for my adhd child”: How to cope with stress, guilt and shame around ADHD parenting
- Michelle Deely
- 2 days ago
- 9 min read
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “I’ve had it, I just can’t do this anymore”, and then instantly felt a tidal wave of guilt, you’re not alone. Parenting is demanding on a good day. Parenting a child with ADHD is a a high-intensity, 24/7 marathon.
The ADHD parenting struggle is REAL. It’s not because you’re weak. It’s not because you’re a bad parent.
It’s because compassion fatigue and parenting burnout are real.
ADHD parenting demands a level of emotional endurance that is impossible for anyone to withstand without having it take a serious toll on physical, mental and emotional health.
Most people can’t truly comprehend the weight that you carry on a day-to-day basis. This often leaves ADHD parents like you feeling unheard, misunderstood and unsupported.
I want to change that.
In this article, I want to talk about why ADHD and parenting is such a unique challenge, how to recognize when your patience is running on fumes, and most importantly, what you can do to refill your own cup without feeling like you’re letting your child down.
Table of Contents
1) Understanding the impact of ADHD parenting
ADHD parenting is not the same as parenting a neurotypical child, and it’s okay to admit that it is hard in ways most people simply don’t understand.
Some days, it’s the constant resistance, refusing to follow any instructions and not caring at all about the consequences to their actions.
Other days, it’s the emotional rollercoaster, the overreactions, the meltdowns, the arguments over things that feel so small yet somehow drain your entire day.
Add in things like chronic lying, impulsivity, forgetfulness … and suddenly even simple routines like getting out the door in the morning can feel like an uphill battle.
These patterns aren’t just “challenging moments”. They can bleed into every corner of your life, your marriage, your finances, your relationships with your other children and even the way you see yourself as a parent.
You may notice your patience shrinking, your temper flaring faster or your own emotional reserves running dangerously low. Some parents start feeling isolated from friends who “just don’t get it” or ashamed because of the stigma that still surrounds ADHD.
And here’s the part we rarely say out loud: the weight you’re carrying is enormous.
It’s physical, mental, and emotional! And it doesn’t just disappear because you love your child. Loving them doesn’t erase your exhaustion, your frustration or the moments you feel like you’re barely holding it together.
My goal for this article is not to tell you the “top five hacks” to manage your child’s ADHD. There are lots of resources and support available for parents out there.
My focus here is on YOU – on helping you see the load you’re carrying, the toll it’s taking and why you cannot keep pouring from an empty cup.
Because here’s the truth: sacrificing yourself for your family isn’t proof of love. It’s a fast track to burnout.
In the next section, we’re going to talk about why putting your own needs back on the priority list is CRUCIAL.
2) The importance of self-care and focusing on yourself
One of the hardest truths for many parents of ADHD kids to accept is the following: you cannot effectively help your child if you’re running on empty.
I know – your instinct is to give and give and give some more. If your child is struggling, you tell yourself you just need to try harder, be more patient, read about more strategies or book more appointments.
You convince yourself that if you can just “get their ADHD under control,” then you’ll finally feel better, calmer, more capable.
But that’s not how it works.
You can’t fix your mental health by fixing your child’s ADHD.
If you’ve been putting your own needs on the back burner until your child’s challenges are resolved, you’re setting yourself up for perpetual burnout.
ADHD is not something you “fix” and walk away from. It’s something you and your child will navigate together for years.
So here’s the good news: when you care for yourself first, you’re not being selfish, you’re being strategic.
A regulated, rested and emotionally grounded parent can handle challenges with more patience, think more clearly, and model healthy coping skills. That directly impacts your child’s ADHD and overall well‑being as well as the emotional climate of your entire family.
So yes, take the time to check in with yourself on a regular basis and figure out what YOU need to thrive, not because it's nice to treat yourself once in a while, but because caring for yourself is actually the foundation that allows you to show up for your child in the best way possible.
3) Signs that you're running out of patience
Compassion fatigue is a sneaky thing. It doesn’t usually show up overnight, it creeps in slowly, day after day, until suddenly you realize you’re snapping at everything and everyone… including the child you love more than anything.
Here are some common red flags that you should look out for:
You’re quicker to lose your temper, raise your voice or get frustrated over things you would have brushed off before.
You start your day feeling “done” before it has even started.
You’ve started emotionally checking out. You go into autopilot just to get through the day, avoiding connection and interaction whenever possible.
You feel the resentment creeping in. You find yourself thinking things like “Why does it have to be me?” and then feel guilty for thinking it.
Your body is showing you signs of prolonged stress. Headaches, stomach tension, trouble sleeping, or constant fatigue become the norm.
You have less empathy to give. Your child’s meltdowns or mistakes no longer trigger concern, they just feel like one more thing on an endless list.
If any of these sound familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It means you’re human.
Your patience is a finite resource. Recognizing you’re hitting your limit isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s the first step to taking back control before burnout takes over completely.
In the next section, we’ll talk about practical ways to rebuild that patience, protect your mental health and cope with the daily stress of ADHD parenting without losing yourself in the process.
4) Strategies to build patience and help you cope with the stress of ADHD parenting
When your patience is running low, it’s SO easy to feel like the problem is you or your child.
But here’s the truth: the problem is ADHD, a brain difference your child didn’t ask for.
Your child’s behavior is not their fault. They aren’t choosing to be this difficult on purpose.
Shifting that perspective is the foundation for rebuilding your resilience. Your job isn’t to “fix” your child, it’s to create an environment that works for them and keeps you from running on empty.
How can you do that? Here are a few tips to help you start filling up your own tank!
Most importantly: regulate yourself first. Kids with ADHD often struggle to self-regulate, so they lean on your emotional cues more than you might realize. If you’re overwhelmed or getting triggered in certain situations, it’s almost impossible to guide them calmly. Find out what triggers you to become dysregulated and learn your warning signs ( a tight chest, clenched jaw, racing thoughts, etc.) and use quick grounding tools like deep breathing, stepping outside for fresh air or counting backward from ten. Even 30 seconds of pause can drastically shift the outcome of a moment.
Give yourself and your child compassion. It’s not about letting everything slide, it’s about remembering that mistakes, meltdowns and missed expectations happen on both sides. You’re human. Your child is human. And ADHD is often working against both of you in these heated moments. When you find yourself spiraling into frustration, try silently saying, We’re both doing the best we can right now.
Stop the comparison game. Scrolling social media or watching other parents’ calm, compliant children can make you feel like you’re falling short. You’re not parenting their child, and they’re not parenting yours. ADHD parenting is a different playing field entirely, one where progress looks different and small wins deserve BIG celebration.
Build routines that work for your child AND for you. Predictability is incredibly supportive for kids with ADHD but rigid, unrealistic schedules will drain you quickly. Focus on two or three key anchor points in the day (like morning, after school and bedtime) and keep them consistent. If something isn’t working for you and you feel yourself growing closer to the limit of what you can handle, adjust without guilt. Flexibility is a strength here, not a failure.
Prioritize yourself without apology. You cannot be endlessly patient if you’re running on fumes. Actively schedule time in your day (even if it’s just ten minutes) where you are taking care of yourself and not “on duty” for anyone else. Read, walk, stretch, stare at a wall. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s yours. You’ll learn quickly that the world won’t stop spinning if you say “Mom has to go do XYZ for a while”. This isn’t indulgence, it’s maintenance for your mental health.
Get real support. Parenting a child with ADHD can feel isolating, especially if friends or family don’t truly understand the day-to-day challenges. Find people who do. That might mean joining an ADHD-specific parent group, working with a therapist who understands neurodivergence or leaning on one or two friends you can text without explanation. You deserve to have spaces that are specifically designed to support you and fill your cup back up again.
It’s important to remember that these strategies aren’t about aiming for constant calm or getting rid of all of your child’s ADHD behavior. No parent achieves that, ADHD or not.
They’re about giving yourself the tools and the permission to show up with more patience, recover faster from the hard moments and remind yourself that you and your child are both worthy of grace.
5) When is it time to seek out professional help for yourself?
As you read through this article, you might be asking yourself - how do I know if it’s time to get professional help for my situation?
As a therapist, here’s what I would say:
There’s a common myth that therapy is only for people in crisis, like you have to hit some invisible “too much” limit before you’re allowed to get support.
The truth is, therapy can be just as valuable when things feel manageable as it is when everything feels like it’s falling apart. Think of it like preventative maintenance: you don’t wait for your car’s engine to completely break down before you change the oil.
Therapy can help you:
Process feelings of frustration, guilt or resentment without judgment
Learn coping skills and emotional regulation strategies tailored to ADHD parenting
Rebuild your confidence as a parent and as a person outside of that role
Navigate difficult conversations with your partner, family or school staff
Explore ways to balance your own needs with your child’s without constant burnout
If you’ve noticed any of the symptoms we discussed in the earlier sections, that might be a sign that now is the right time to seek professional support. But you don’t need to wait until those signs appear either.
Like I mentioned at the time of this article, ADHD parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. The daily mental load, emotional intensity, and unpredictability can slowly chip away at your patience and your sense of self, even if you “look fine” from the outside.
Seeking help before you hit the wall means you’re protecting the emotional stability of your entire family AND you’re giving yourself the space to grow, reflect and strengthen yourself for the road ahead.
6) 1-Minute-Summary: Everything you need to know at a glance
Parenting a child with ADHD is uniquely exhausting. It's not because you’re weak, unloving or a bad parent, but because the mental, emotional and physical load is real and relentless.
Pouring from an empty cup will negatively affect you, your child and your family. So remember that caring for yourself is not selfish, it’s essential for your child’s and family’s well-being.
Always watch for signs of compassion fatigue such as shorter temper or emotional outbursts, feeling “done” before the day starts, emotional withdrawal, creeping resentment, physical stress symptoms and loss of empathy.
Proactively work to fill up your own cup and rebuild your patience by
Remind yourself that the problem is ADHD, not your child
Regulating yourself first and knowing your triggers
Practicing compassion for both you and your child
Stopping the comparison game
Building flexible, realistic routines that support YOU
Prioritizing your own needs without guilt
Finding support from people who truly understand ADHD parenting
Therapy can be a helpful tool to help you recover from burnout but it isn’t only for crises. . It can help you identify your triggers, process emotions, learn coping skills, rebuild confidence and prevent burnout before it starts.
Optional: A space for you to feel truly supported
So many ADHD parents tell me they’ve been curious about therapy for years, but always pushed it off because they were “too busy” or felt they should be able to handle it on their own.
The truth is, therapy isn’t about admitting defeat, it’s about giving yourself a space to just exhale.
In my practice, I work with mothers of children with ADHD who are navigating burnout, compassion fatigue and the mental load that comes with ADHD parenting. My goal is to create a place where you can set down the weight you’ve been carrying, even for just an hour, and be met with understanding instead of judgment.
We talk about the hard stuff (your exhaustion, your guilt, your frustrations), identify where you become dysregulated and work on building back your patience, your sense of self and your ability to enjoy your life again.
If that kind of space sounds like something you need, you can learn more about working with me here:
Michelle Deely, MFT
Therapist For Moms In California
Michelle Deely, MFT specializes in helping burned out moms find relief. Michelle offers in-person therapy in San Francisco and online therapy to clients throughout California.
