Your child is off to school and it’s a big transition for both of you. What's the best way to get through those first couple months? Here are some ideas to consider:
1. Embrace the Silence
First things first: acknowledge the quiet. Your child is gone and the silence can feel shocking. It's ok to feel unsettled and at loose ends. Instead of filling every moment with noise or distractions, try to take some time to soak it in. What comes up for you in the quiet? Do you worry or wonder about your child? Does your mind shift to work or relationship stress, to topics you didn't have time to think through before? What other parts of your life need attention? How can you use the quiet to your benefit?
2. Identify the Interests You Have Now
Remember those hobbies you put on hold because they were impossible to do as a parent? Maybe you can't even remember what they were. Now's the time to check in with yourself- who am I now? What brings me joy? What kinds of things do I like to do for no reason other than to have fun? What makes me feel connected, satisfied, excited? Make a list of things that come up and schedule a few hours each week to try out a new interest. Do it yourself, do it with friends. All the matters is that you use some of the extra time in your schedule to do more for you.
3. Create a Weekly Plan
Routines can provide a sense of stability, so think about what a typical week might look like for you now. Maybe you want to start your mornings later than you used to or maybe you want to schedule a weekly happy hour with friends. Plan out your week with activities you enjoy-having a plan gives you something to look forward to.
4. Connect with Your Community
Going through a huge life transition can feel isolating and being in community with others helps to combat loneliness. Reach out to friends you’ve been meaning to catch up with and schedule a time to get together in person. Reach out to new acquaintances that have similar interests. Reconnect with people that have brought you joy in your life and commit to fostering those relationships.
5. Get Targeted Support
Becoming an empty nester can feel surprising and confusing; not everyone in your life will understand your experience. It can be helpful to connect with other people whose kids have left home and are having similar experiences. Surround yourself with people that understand exactly what you're going through by joining a support group for empty nesters or seeking out people in your extended community that truly get it. (Hint: I started the Bittersweet support group to help you with exactly this -- check out the details and join us!)
6. Re-evaluate Your Values
Re-evaluate the values to you live by. What's important to you in this stage of life? Are you living your life in a way that feels aligned with who you are now and who you want to be? Values can change and evolve over time; now is a perfect time to take stock of the "unwritten" rules you're living your life by. What values do you identify with and which can you let go of?
7. Embrace Flexibility
It's okay if your life isn’t perfect and if you have more bad days than good right now. Life is hard, transitions are hard, learning to live in a brand new way is hard. Be open to changing things up as you experiment with a new way of living to discover what feels right for you.
Are you surprised at how challenging it is to get used to life
without your child at home?
Do you feel alone with your feelings and unsure about the future?
Join our support group for empty nesters, Bittersweet.
In this weekly support group, you'll
Talk openly and honestly about how life has changed since your child left
Get the tools needed to navigate your new relationship with your child so you can enjoy the adult they've become
Embrace the role of “consultant” and give up your “micro-manager” duties so you stay involved with your child while empowering them to take more control of their life
Practice being more selfish. Now’s the time to get back into the “it’s all about me” mindset you had in your 20s!
Connect with a group of people who get it and create relationships that will continue long after the group ends
Check out the Bittersweet group page for more details or book a call with me to enroll.
You don't have to go through this alone!
Michelle Deely, MFT specializes in helping
burned out moms find relief. Michelle offers in-person therapy in San Francisco and online therapy to clients throughout California.
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